I held the hair tie in my fingers and pulled and twisted. Stretched and
released, only to stretch and release again. Each machination of the
rubber echoed the churning in my guts and the panic in my mind. Am I
really going to do this? Am I crazy? What have I got to say that anyone
would want to read? This is too personal. I shouldn’t do this, maybe I can
write this book, but not publish it?
It was November 2021 and I was sitting at my desk ready for the Zoom
call with my newly allocated Developmental Editor, Regina. This was our
first meeting and I was a few minutes early. Time enough to start
messing with the hair tie while I waited for the welcome screen to morph
into the portal through which I would gain a virtual peek into a curated
snippet of her life.
In late 2019 my friend Katie had been true to her word and sent me
details about the book writing course she had been taking, but thanks to
2020 it took me until July 2021 to sign up. The pandemic had tilted the
world sideways on its axis and me along with it. All thoughts of writing
my father’s book about him surviving the Holocaust were now pushed to
the back of my mind; I knew I had another story I had to write first.
While a lot people’s pandemic projects involved baked goods or crafts,
mine involved sitting in my bathroom or study, hugging my dog and
crying. To be accurate, it wasn’t all crying - there was a lot of screaming
into pillows, some laughing, yoga and dancing; but mostly, there was
crying. I had used my abundance of lock-down imposed free time to do
some intense navel gazing and emotional processing. I started
experimenting with self-administered plant-medicine therapy to finally
address my trauma, depression, anxiety, PTSD and burn out.
Somehow, while signing up for the course, I came up with the bright idea
that I should write my first ever book about those transformative healing
experiences. I debated whether I should write it as fiction or even under
a pen name, but that didn’t feel right. No. How hard can it be? I thought,
deciding to commit to writing it as a memoir. I’ve got this!
In subsequent discussions with the course teachers it quickly became
apparent that I had no idea about the specifics of how I would tell my
story or how emotionally grueling that telling would be. Deep down I
knew that to do my book justice I was going to have to include the most
vulnerable and painful parts of my life and inner dialog. I had to show
how screwed up I had been so I could show by contrast how much my
life had been transformed.
To be honest, I was terrified. Terrified of revealing my story to the public,
of the insane vulnerability I was subjecting myself to, and basically of
being seen and heard through my writing. Mostly though, I was worried
that I would fail at my objective of telling my story and that I was a bad
writer.
When the course assigned me Regina I didn’t know what to expect. I
had never had someone be part of my creative process before, and now,
I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her.
“Hi Shayla. Lovely to meet you. I’m looking forward to working together!”
Regina said, kicking off our meeting. “Is it ok if we start by taking a deep
breath?” As soon as I saw her warm smile and kind eyes I immediately
knew I was in a safe space. I knew I could trust her and that she was
there to help guide me through this experience. After that first hour, I
logged off the call and breathed a sigh of relief. I was in good hands.
It didn’t take many of our weekly calls before I could tell that Regina
knew how scared I was; how anxious and scatter-brained. She
recognized someone who was on a healing journey. In our sessions
Regina let me ramble and go off on tangents. She patiently waited (or
when required - gently coaxed me) until I reached a point of clarity and
direction for my book’s plot, theme, and tone.
It turned out my writing process was one of excavation. I had to sift
through a lot of mental slurry to get to the story pay dirt hidden
underneath. I’ve learned through my writing journey that the first thought
isn’t always the best (or truest) thought, and sometimes, neither is the
second. Don’t believe everything you think! I’d remind myself as I kept
digging deep, deep… deeper into the cold dark heart of my trauma to
find my true gems of innate wisdom, while at the same time, dredging up
my most painful parts of self to lay bare on the pages.
Once I’d written and “edited” my chapter or scene , (i.e. read it over a
million times, rearranging and tweaking the content, until it finally
represented the narrative I was hearing inside my head), I’d log onto the
course’s content management system and update Regina on my
progress. Then I held my breath and waited.
Regina’s feedback was always fair and useful. She asked probing
questions and gently challenged my initial thoughts until I sorted through
the sludge to get to the diamonds in my narrative. With Regina’s
feedback I held my head up a little higher, quelled my nerves and
eventually became a better writer. I followed her advice and intentionally
introduced more structure into my writing. I saw the story improve, and
became prouder of my work with each iteration.
I wrote steadily and at breakneck speed to get as much done to share
with her as I could, but unfortunately by February 2022, my course-
allocated time with Regina ran out. I greedily wanted more time with her,
but I had to move onto the next phase of editing and publishing. I logged
on to our last session, sad to say goodbye.
This time as I sat and waited to be admitted into the Zoom room my
hands were still and calm. Through our time together I had gained more
than just chunks of digitally facilitated emotional connection and literary
guidance. I learned from Regina how to let myself look past my fear and
blockages to find a path through the overwhelm where I could let my
writing naturally flow.
We said our farewells (we both knew it wasn’t going to be a permanent
goodbye), and I logged out of the session ready to take the next step of
my writing career; more confident about my decision to write my book,
and reassured that people would want to read what I had to say.
My developmental editor was Regina Stribling and she can be found at https://www.transpersonalguidance.com/
The book writing course I did was through The Creator Institute, now called Manuscripts. https://www.creator.institute/